I’m at an impasse. I am scared about the future, the present, and the past. I am not confident although I’m sure that is becoming obvious to everyone around me even though I attempt to exude confidence every single second. Someday I’ll figure shit out, then most likely immediately die. I have a small group of people who really believe in me. I often wonder what is wrong with these people. Considering the best predictor of the future is the past, and let’s be honest the past is a fucking shit show.
I have no idea what I should do with my life. You might think that I do considering I have chosen a major and started going back to college, but alas you would be wrong. I write in a blog and consider my place on this mortal coil. That is currently is my place, FYI.
I have a small family that depends on me, emotionally, because as you can imagine... Being a sensible slacker doesn’t pay well. These people believe in my talent, and drive, to eventually carry me into... Something. Did I mention I’m working on a novel. Yup. A novel. I have this delusion that my voice means something, and people can find solace or happiness in my ramblings. If just one person chuckles from my mishaps then my job is done here folks.
I have a bipolar disorder. It makes it impossible to ever really know if my confidence is real, or the product of a manic phase. It also makes it impossible to really know what I’m doing from one day to another. It is also entirely possible there is a personality disorder in there as well, you know, just for good measure. Oh! Let’s not forget the crippling anxiety that makes every single trip out doors like a fucking haunted house ride of panic and paranoia. The pot helps with that by the way, but obviously I can’t be baked out of my mind twenty four hours a day. Eh, never mind... Cause I totally am. Hell I’m high as hell right god-damn-now. Wink. There really isn’t a point to this. Wait... That’s not true. This is cathartic, and I deserve that.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Twice The Cuddles
My wife and I have recently decided to open our hearts, and our relationship to a new family member. A sister wife if you will. We discussed how amazing our relationship is, and how lucky we are to have such a happy home. We talked, and talked, and talked about all of the possible benefits and repercussions. We discussed boundaries. We considered equality. “What about date nights?”, we asked each other. Can I love two women, I wondered, even said it out loud... A few times. Could another person love me the way my wife does.
After all the discussions we decided to give it a try. I said to my wife that I would leave the ball in her court, because honestly, the thought of approaching someone and saying "Hi, would you like to date my wife and I?" seemed outright ridiculous. She immediately considered a friend of hers she’d known for years. She thought she would be a perfect choice considering she was beautiful, productive, honest, and loyal. She hadn't had the best luck with relationships, and my wife believed she deserved to be loved and appreciated for who she was. My wife approached her and laid the whole scenario out to her. Unbelievably she was interested in talking with me, and seeing if there was a connection between the two of us.
I was obviously nervous, but decided to text her with absolutely no expectations. We have talked every day since, and the relationship between the three of us is growing every single one of those days. We all three talk about our individual interests. We share some interests with one partner, and other interests with the other. When we are having a rough day there are two people there to offer support. When we are excited about something there are always two cheerleaders in our corner. When we are feeling inadequate there are two people who love us unconditionally. Twice the love, twice the support, and twice the cuddles.
After all the discussions we decided to give it a try. I said to my wife that I would leave the ball in her court, because honestly, the thought of approaching someone and saying "Hi, would you like to date my wife and I?" seemed outright ridiculous. She immediately considered a friend of hers she’d known for years. She thought she would be a perfect choice considering she was beautiful, productive, honest, and loyal. She hadn't had the best luck with relationships, and my wife believed she deserved to be loved and appreciated for who she was. My wife approached her and laid the whole scenario out to her. Unbelievably she was interested in talking with me, and seeing if there was a connection between the two of us.
I was obviously nervous, but decided to text her with absolutely no expectations. We have talked every day since, and the relationship between the three of us is growing every single one of those days. We all three talk about our individual interests. We share some interests with one partner, and other interests with the other. When we are having a rough day there are two people there to offer support. When we are excited about something there are always two cheerleaders in our corner. When we are feeling inadequate there are two people who love us unconditionally. Twice the love, twice the support, and twice the cuddles.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Musings For A Modern Man
Being a man is hard these days. Realizing that you are neither a hunter
nor a gatherer. Believing in your heart that people count on your for
certain things, and then realizing that you don’t serve the purpose that
you were programmed to believe you served.
See, I’m a fixer. I always want to solve everything. As though people were puzzles. I’m thirty years old and I have spent my entire adult life trying to outsmart emotions.
My wife and I have come to a head more than once because I need to fix her when she is sad, or depressed, or frustrated with things that have nothing to do with me. When I can’t out think or out talk her emotions I get frustrated, and I’m sure we all know what happens next.
As it turns out, people don’t want or need you to fix them. They just want you to love them and listen. When they want your advice they ask for it.
We are all emotionally broken in one way or another. I think the reason I try to fix everything is because I don’t know how to fix myself. So, I project my need for relief, or answers, onto things. Then get mad because when it fails I feel even more powerless.
So I suppose the lesson here is to love yourself the best you can because validating yourself by fixing other people is never going to work. The role of a man these days isn’t what it used to be, but there is a place in the world for all of us. We just each have to find it. Maybe these days the role of the husband, friend, and partner is to be supportive and encourage the one
s you love to find theirs while you look for yours. Sometimes, the way to become a better leader is to become a better partner.
See, I’m a fixer. I always want to solve everything. As though people were puzzles. I’m thirty years old and I have spent my entire adult life trying to outsmart emotions.
My wife and I have come to a head more than once because I need to fix her when she is sad, or depressed, or frustrated with things that have nothing to do with me. When I can’t out think or out talk her emotions I get frustrated, and I’m sure we all know what happens next.
As it turns out, people don’t want or need you to fix them. They just want you to love them and listen. When they want your advice they ask for it.
We are all emotionally broken in one way or another. I think the reason I try to fix everything is because I don’t know how to fix myself. So, I project my need for relief, or answers, onto things. Then get mad because when it fails I feel even more powerless.
So I suppose the lesson here is to love yourself the best you can because validating yourself by fixing other people is never going to work. The role of a man these days isn’t what it used to be, but there is a place in the world for all of us. We just each have to find it. Maybe these days the role of the husband, friend, and partner is to be supportive and encourage the one
s you love to find theirs while you look for yours. Sometimes, the way to become a better leader is to become a better partner.
The Great Twinkie Debate
I
have a Twinkie. Not a knock off Twinkie, but a real legitimate Twinkie.
My wife got it for me for Christmas. I know right! You should be
jealous... And no your wife won’t ever be that awesome. I also smoke a
lot of herbal “medicine” which makes me hungry, specifically for
Twinkies. One might ask what a man such as myself is going to do with
this delectable snack cake.
Of course your intial reaction would be to... EAT IT NAO!!!! But let me remind you that it may not be very long before this is the absolute last Twinkie I will ever see, and that the story about them lasting forever is a myth. If I don’t eat it then at some point in the not so distant future I won’t be able to enjoy it in all its delicious glory. Add to that the fact that we are broke, and it was absolutely the BEST present my wife could have pulled out of her ass at no cost to either of us, amd only a small cost to the lovely old Asian man who gave one of his last four Twinkies to her (to give to me). My soul is utterly torn, and vexed at this most noble of cross roads. To eat, or not to eat. That is the question...
Of course your intial reaction would be to... EAT IT NAO!!!! But let me remind you that it may not be very long before this is the absolute last Twinkie I will ever see, and that the story about them lasting forever is a myth. If I don’t eat it then at some point in the not so distant future I won’t be able to enjoy it in all its delicious glory. Add to that the fact that we are broke, and it was absolutely the BEST present my wife could have pulled out of her ass at no cost to either of us, amd only a small cost to the lovely old Asian man who gave one of his last four Twinkies to her (to give to me). My soul is utterly torn, and vexed at this most noble of cross roads. To eat, or not to eat. That is the question...
Welcome!
Ever since I was a little boy my mom told me I was special. I know
every Mom has told every kid that, but for some reason I believed mine.
I’ve floated through life not really having much direction. At least not
a direction headed anywhere good. I’ve always just believed that a plan
would present itself, and then off to success I would go.
Flash forward thirty years and here I am. I have two valuable financial assets. The house she left me when she passed, and an 83’ Mercedes (in decent condition i might add) I command liquid capital in excess of seven dollars, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with my life, and realistically a third of it is gone. Admittedly it is the the first third... which does include the first round of shitting yourself and being fed a liquid diet.
I used to believe I would make a decent living doing something that at least I didn’t hate. Now I just hope I can find something that gives me a paycheck and doesn’t make me want to kill myself. But don’t think I’ve given up! Because I have decided that I will do what gives me pleasure, and I’ll do it for free. No, it isn’t masturbation, although I don’t make any money doing that either. I’m going to write down words. Maybe they will make you laugh, or think, or even maybe change your mind about this or that. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is I have no idea what I’m doing, and that puts my writing expertise on par with everything else that I do. Why not... So submitted for your approval I give you... The Sensible Slacker. Kick your shoes off... Take off your coat... Stay awhile... Hell, you might even like it here.
Flash forward thirty years and here I am. I have two valuable financial assets. The house she left me when she passed, and an 83’ Mercedes (in decent condition i might add) I command liquid capital in excess of seven dollars, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with my life, and realistically a third of it is gone. Admittedly it is the the first third... which does include the first round of shitting yourself and being fed a liquid diet.
I used to believe I would make a decent living doing something that at least I didn’t hate. Now I just hope I can find something that gives me a paycheck and doesn’t make me want to kill myself. But don’t think I’ve given up! Because I have decided that I will do what gives me pleasure, and I’ll do it for free. No, it isn’t masturbation, although I don’t make any money doing that either. I’m going to write down words. Maybe they will make you laugh, or think, or even maybe change your mind about this or that. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is I have no idea what I’m doing, and that puts my writing expertise on par with everything else that I do. Why not... So submitted for your approval I give you... The Sensible Slacker. Kick your shoes off... Take off your coat... Stay awhile... Hell, you might even like it here.
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